when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
