Swine flu is the new snow day.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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