Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
