i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We just shotgunned beers for America
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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