I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
