This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
