She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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