my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
