there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
