According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
