Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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