why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
