i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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