Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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