he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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