do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
