I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
