I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize