At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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