so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
