bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
