I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
