Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
