i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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