remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
