John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
