pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
