need another drink. this is the easiest way
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
