At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
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Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
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Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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