the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
