Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
