So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
