Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
