a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
