Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
