Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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