I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
