Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.