now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
