The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
