I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
