I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
