Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
