I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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