I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You were trust falling into bushes
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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