I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i believe in u and ur pee
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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