Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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