Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
