are you still at the devil's house?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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