Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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