I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
