i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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