this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
