so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
