Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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